Talking to children about death

My lovely dad passed away last summer, and whilst I had begun to prepare myself (or so I thought) for my own grief as it became an inevitability, I hadn't given much thought as to how to handle the conversation about his death with Etta & Uma (4  & 2 years old at the time) as we'd been fortunate to have never needed to have had that chat previously.

I did a lot of reading online as the time approached for my dad to leave us, because I wanted to make sure that I didn't say the wrong thing and lead to either a repression of the girl's emotions or confusion over what death actually is. But like anything with children, finding the balance between truth and comfort is a fine line.

I also posted out to my incredible community on instagram about books to read with them and was inundated with incredible recommendations which tackle the subject of death with beauty and honesty - I've detailed my favorites below.

I hope you don't need these tips any time soon, but these really helped us get through an incredibly difficult time in our family by making it ok to show and talk about our emotions.

1) Think about who is going to be delivering the news, as it's an extremely difficult and emotional thing to have to say. 

When my father died I spent that night with my mum, so the next day I asked my husband to tell the girls (well, Etta really as Uma was so tiny) before I got home as I knew that I'd be a sobbing wreck and I didn't want them to see me in quite such a fragile state of grief. My husband said that he found it very hard and his voice broke a few times but we'd discussed point 2 below so he knew what he was going to say and unsurprisingly Etta just listened and didn't say that much immediately after finding out.

2) Don't use the phrase that the person who has died has gone to sleep.

The notion of sleep = death can produce a fear in children that you don't want to evoke, with them worrying at bedtime that someone, or themselves, might not wake up. 

Instead we say that Grandad is in the stars as it gives them a sense that he's up in the beautiful night sky looking over them and keeping them safe. It also means we can go into the garden at night and the girls try to guess which one Grandad is, which is always a sweet few moments normalising the fact that he's no longer with us physically. My dear friend lost her mum around the same time and they say that she's in the sun, so that when they feel the sun on their faces they feel the warmth of her love.

3) Don't been afraid to show them your emotions.

I cried a lot whilst cuddling my girls or they'd find (and still do) me having a little sob whilst doing chores or watching something that triggers me, and I believe that it's all helped them to understand that it is ok to be sad and show that sadness through your tears.

4) Be prepared for them to want to talk about it at random times when you are not prepared emotionally.

Etta can still stop my heart in it's tracks, nearly 10 months on, when she says "so you don't have a daddy any more?" to which I answer, "I'll always have a daddy he's just not a person anymore, he's a wonderful memory". She then will give me the biggest hug and says that she wishes she could fly so that she could go up to the stars and bring grandad back.. For some reason these 2 conversations don't seem to get any easier no matter how many times I hear them.

5) Read to them to show them that they are not alone in their grief.

From more subtle books like The Paper Dolls* (the kind granny in the little girls memory) to books specifically about death and what beauty and memories are left behind, such as Badgers Parting Gifts* and The Invisible String. 

6) Consider talking to them about nature and how life ends as it's a gentle way to introduce the concept of death. 

We 'grew' butterflies last summer and one of them had a dodgy wing so didn't survive long, so oddly I was able to refer back to "flutter" the butterfly when talking about Grandad dying. It might sound odd but sometimes small relatable things can help them make sense of something far greater.

7) Let them choose a little keepsake.

It might be one of their possessions, but given that my dad didn't really have anything a little girl would like, I took Etta to a local gift shop and let her choose a little necklace with a heart and star charm, which she wears to feel close to grandad still.

8) Celebrate key moments in their life.

We all got together for lunch last month and toasted my dad on what would have been his birthday. By talking about him not only helps to keep his memory alive for my girls but it also gives them the opportunity to keep asking questions and find peace with the loss of a someone special.

I hope these help in some way if you find yourself having to have this heart-wrenching conversation with your children. My inbox is always open if you have any comments or questions.

With love,

Jen x

*Book links go to Waterstones (not affiliate)